When Your Child is the Bully

It can be the shock of a lifetime. You call a meeting about the other bully with the principal, and through eyewitness accounts of other children and a few yard duty supervisors, you discover that your child was lying. He or she was really the instigator and the one throwing the first punch.

Whether you find out that your child has been telling grade-school stories that aren't quite true, or the parents of the other child have called a meeting with you, handling yourself in a calm manner is the first step toward solving the budding violence problem your child may be having.

The time your child spends at school teaches him or her much more than math and reading. It also teaches social interaction. If your child has been reprimanded for acting out physically, it would seem that he or she did not get proper instruction on solving conflicts.

This is not due to your failure as a parent so much as it is an indication that your child is getting the wrong message from somewhere. Many parents blame violent television or video games, and for some kids, this may be a source of inspiration. They could also feel intimidated by peer pressure and have grown so tired of playground teasing, that they just lost it.

Then again, it could be that your child is aggressive, and actually enjoys giving a good thrashing to those that are smaller or weaker than he or she. In this case, you'll need to find ways for your child to learn to deal with what may be an integral part of his or her personality. If violent media is feeding this attitude, then restrict that part of his or her life. If he or she has excess energy, which is often turned into frustration and then lashing out, get him or her into activities that will help focus that energy. While the martial arts, for instance, is the last thing many parents would think of as an alternative for a child who fights, in fact, it can be a great outlet, and most teach that fighting is to be done only on the mat. Other sports, like soccer, can allow children to gain more self-confidence and to run off that energy.

If, in spite of all the love in your home, and your guidance, you suspect that your child may be having some psychological difficulties, then there's no shame in getting some regular, professional counseling.

Counseling is not meant to label you as a failure or your child as mentally ill. On the contrary, counselors are there to help otherwise healthy people find new ways of looking at things. A counselor can be helpful in getting your child to control his or her anger - a valuable lesson that could change the course of an entire lifetime.

In the present, however, how do you react when meeting with the parents? By remaining calm, and letting your child know that you're not going to abandon him or her, but you're also not going to defend wrong behavior. Assure the parents that you are going to make sure your child begins to handle conflict in a more civil manner. An apology might also help make things better between you and the parents. Not to mention the fact that your child owes the other one an apology.

These measures may not solve the problem instantly, but they show that you are willing to work to make sure that your child is not part of the "kids will be kids" problem.

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