Common Courtesy

Being Courteous Out of Self-Preservation

School violence happens in schools large and small, racially diverse and overwhelmingly white, in poor neighborhoods and rich ones. The potential for a Columbine-type incident cannot be judged by the race, income or location. There does not seem to be a pattern. Yet, some common factors do seem to be emerging.

One factor noted in many of the shooters, has been the feeling of being an outsider. This has been supported with a history of bullying, ridicule and exclusion from other kids.

In the business world, you don't have to like someone with whom you work. You may even quietly despise them. But you don't beat them up in the employee parking garage, and you don't scrawl what a geek they are on the bathroom walls, if you want to keep your job. Most people don't tell the boss what they really think of the "new policy" out of their own self interest. Conversely, if someone does treat you in this manner, you have actions you can take legally against workplace harassment.

But what about the kids in school that just do not seem to fit in? Whether it is shyness, body type, poor hygiene, the wrong kind of clothes, personality quirks, something they did three years ago that nobody will forget, or they are just plain unpleasant, there are several true outcasts on every campus.

Nobody can force your kids to like them. In some cases, it may actually be good judgment to steer clear of certain outcasts. But that is no excuse to taunt, publicly humiliate or physically harass someone, even if it is just tripping them.

When interviewed, many of the kids who became school shooters could name specific incidents where they were made fun of or publicly shamed. Children with these types of personalities do not let such abuse roll off their backs, and are more likely to stew on their anger until it has an outlet. Yet, when these kids were harassed, where did they have to go to report it? Most children know they can go to school authorities, but would sooner take the treatment than do so. The punishment often seems better than being called a "snitch".

Therefore, it has to be driven home to all students that, by refusing to participate in aggression against, or the humiliation of other students, they are actually helping to protect themselves. Being courteous is in their self-interest and so is discouraging others who are participating in such behavior from doing so, even if it means an anonymous tip to school administration.

If possible, parents should discuss the various ways in which students mistreat each other. In this sense, not much has changed since you were in school. The group might remember name-calling, bullying, physical jabs such as tripping or fouling lockers, playing "keep away" with someone's books, ganging up and more. Once a good list is compiled, suggest an assembly for the entire student body, or on a class-by-class basis. Oftentimes, students don't know that behavior they see as relatively harmless, like name-calling, can actually lead to much worse. So many parents have considered such behavior as part of growing up, that they haven't let their own children in on this secret.

Illustrating how behaving well can help keep them safer on a personal level is also a good approach to take with school-aged children and adolescents, since the true ability to "put yourself in someone else's shoes" may not develop in many until much later.

The important thing is to inform children, from an early age, about how such anger as that in school shootings builds up and finally materializes. The more children that understand this, the less angry outcasts will be.

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